Pondering Ethiopia

This is a post I have sat down dozens of times to write. To put more details from our trip and more thoughts from our journey. Yet each time I go to write I think I just need a little more time to process. I have come to realize that I will never fully process all that we saw and experienced on our trip and since being home. It is too big and too overwhelming. Too beautiful; too disturbing; too human; too real; too touching; too heartbreaking; too amazing; too foreign; too unfair; too humbling; too captivating. I have visited Haiti, orhanages in Tijuana Mexico, and Guatemala but nothing came close to preparing me to visit such a poor country where my sole purpose for being there was to meet and bring home my perfect, beautiful baby boy. Why? Why, do I have the privilege of being a mom who can devote all my time not only to meeting my children's basic needs of food and shelter but beyond that spend a majority of my time with life enriching activities like teaching the Bible, playing soccer, schooling, riding bikes, and playing games? Just before sitting down to write this I bought tickets to Wicked in Seattle to take my drama queen daughter in October. Moges' birthmom did not have these options. She had 2 options: keep and raise her beautiful son and hope that through begging on the streets he would be able to get enough food to survive, or relinquish him to an orphanage knowing that he would be fed and likely could be placed for adoption with a family from another part of the world who could meet all his needs more fully. Did she lack love for him in this decision? Certainly not. Did her heart break in this decision? Certainly. This element of our trip alone is too much for me to digest. I do not deserve the blessings I have been given. Years ago I struggled with God asking "why me?" saying "this is not fair" , saying "I deserve this" when Mike and I went through infertility. I now find myself on the complete polar opposite side of this struggle. Saying to God "I don't deserve this" , "I am getting more than my fair share of blessing" , and humbling asking "why me and not her?, she deserves so much more". Did He ever answer our prayers through a pregnancy? No. Did he make me a mother blessed beyond words with the 4 most amazing kids I know? Yes. Why? I don't know, it is more than I have earned or deserve and why I know Moges is the perfect boy for us. His name means "grace" and he is a gift of grace that we did nothing to deserve but has been given freely to us anyway. One of the families we traveled with brought home an 8 month old beautiful baby boy. As their story has unfolded they are faced with coming to terms with the fact that their new son has extreme special needs. They love him fiercely and are having to make decisions that no one should have to make. Their baby is precious and loved but will not have the ability to live life as we think of little boys living life even now that he will receive the best care possible. Their story could have been our story. Yet here we are with Moges rolling over, just about sitting up on his own and causing all of us to laugh heartily multiple times a day. There is no sense to make of this. I am a faith filled person and have not doubt in my God who created all things and sent His Son to redeem all things. Yet, I don't understand why this happened the way it did.
Well, these are a least a sample of my musings as I ponder and process our journey. God is good but life is not fair and goes beyond what my limited brain can comprehend.
May God find me faithful in all He has given me and called me to.